The car you should buy is a BMW 5-Series. If you want something biggish and fastish and premiumish, the new 5 is the daddy; a fine, focused drive, sharp-looking, with a brilliant array of petrol and diesel engines. Job done.
The 5-Series isn't in this test.
This isn't, for once, a gross oversight on our behalf. The 5-Series isn't in this test because there are some - plenty, in fact - who, for all the rational arguments in its favour, simply won't buy one. Those who will listen as you extol the virtues of the 530d, nod sagely, and say, "Yeah, but I'm just not... a BMW person." Those who feel, rightly or wrongly, that the blue-and-white roundel is inextricable from a passive-aggressive world of upthrusting middle management and golf-club car parks and Bluetooth earpieces. Those who think, in short, that BMWs are for cocks.
The 5's traditional rivals - the Mercedes E-Class and Audi A6 - don't represent salvation for the anti-cockists. They're tarred with the same brush, willing accomplices in the German Exec Saloon Arms Race of ever-bigger wheels and schportier chassis set-ups. An Audi used to be the alternative, unlikely choice. Not now, so what?
The 9-5 is a long way from being perfect. In fact, it's a fair way from being reasonably good in several departments. Compared to the very best in this segment, its ride is lumpy, the steering lazy, and any connection between car and driver is conducted at carrier-pigeon speeds. But, in intent and execution, it is most defiantly not a Big German Saloon, which, if you're dead-set against a Big German Saloon, is good news.
But in truth, anti-cockists, you're better off just swallowing your BMW prejudices. The car you should buy is a 5-Series.
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